FREEDOM™ PATROL

• Islam? More like "ISN'Tlam", AMIRITE?
• Koran? More like "first KORANthians, 3:11", AMIRITE?
• Ummah? More like "United States of UMMAHrica™", AMIRITE?
• Karbala? More like "the BATTLE of Karbala", AMIRITE?
• Shariah law? More like "SHAHriah law", AMIRITE IRAN?
• Sorry, did I say "SHAHriah law"? Guess what I meant was "SHAWSHANK RIAHDEMPTION law", AMIRITE MORGAN FREEMAN?
• Zakat? More like "That Darn ZA-kat", the old version, not the remake, AMIRITE?
• Mecca? More like "MECCA GODZILLA" RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR IM SMASHIN' TOKYO Y'ALL

Okay, that's all I got.

Our Nation™ is now 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 US Dollars™ (32 Euros) in debt.

We all know who's at fault.

The democrats.

If they weren't always wasting our money on black people we'd have more to invest in killing Arabs, which, unlike helping black people, is a very profitable business.

As evidence for this I present the following statistics:

Percent of National™ debt owed to:
China: 2%
Japan: 1%
The Jews: 97%

Percent of National™ debt spent on:
Detroit: 84%
Killing Iraqis: 3%
Coke, whores: 13%

Now, I can't understand why we owe the Chinese, Japanese, and Hebrews any money, since we saved their asses in World War Two. But I'm sure O'Reilly has already called for a boycott of these three nations to make them drop our debt to them on these grounds, so I guess we've already tried this angle.

As for what we're spending our money on, we can cut back a huge amount of spending by giving Detroit (and whatever state it's located in) back to Canada. As far as I understand it, Canada is basically just a ridiculously poor version of Our Great Nation™, so it only seems fitting that we should give them all the poorest parts of these United States™. Naturally, we never will, because United We Stand™, but I think we can stand to give up the places that cost us money and don't contain any real Americans™. (Here defined as "people you know")

1. Detroit (and the encompassing state)
2. Philidelphia (and the encompassing state)
3. Hawaii
4. Puerto Rico

It would be politically incorrect for me to say why we should get rid of the first two, but I'm sure no one will be offended by this:

-We should get rid of Hawaii because they bombed Pearl Harbor, charge REAL Americans too much for touristy crap, hide from us out in the middle of the ocean where they are WAY too friendly with Asia. In short: Not to be trusted, decidely un-American, and I don't know how they snuck into our country. We should give them back to Japan.
-We should get rid of Puerto Rico because they can't speak English. The melting pot is not full of chile con carne. We should give them back to whoever forced us to take them. Probably France.

Then we should probably invade some really wealthy country to take their money to pay back our debts. One way to kill two birds with one stone is to declare war on China, Japan, and the Jews. Then after we kick all their asses and take their money, we make them revoke our debts.

Then we abolish taxes.

I was recently alerted by a red-faced, red-haired, green-eyed, pasty-skin-dotted-with-freckles, perpetually-drunk, kennedy-worshipping, union-loving, molested-by-his-priest-as-a-kid, "wehz-chahlie's-cah?", hockey-game-hooligan, sends-a-percent-of-his-money-(after taxes)-to-the-RIRA-or-the-PIRA-or-whatever-IRA-I-can't-keep-track-anymore, screeching-noises-of-penny-whistle-and-fiddle-music-toleration-feigning, Erin-go-Bragh-shouting, Father-Ted/The-Wind-That-Shakes-the-Barley/War-of-the-Buttons-which-was-originally-French-but-don't-tell-them-that/Waking-Ned-Divine/Angela's-Ashes/Michael-Collins/Shake-Hands-with-the-Devil-watching, Bostonian, Irish-American™ friend of mine that apparently Ireland is--in fact--completely independent from England and has a seat on the United Nations (of America™). This just goes to show that even though they have their own country, the Irish are too drunk to realise they can stop fighting for it now. I neither understand, nor have the patience to do any research on, the IRA.

This certainly proves the Irish love Freedom™. They are willing to fight for Freedom™ even when it doesn't even need fighting for. If that isn't American™, I don't know what is.

Oh wait! Yes I do! Christianity™. Apparently the IRA kills Protestants™, the only TRUE Church™ of our Lord™ Jesus™ Christ™. That's not KOSHER. (Lord, I apologize for using Jewish slang. But look at it this way, I could've said "Halal". It's the lesser of two evils.)

Speaking of which, apparently in Republican™ neighborhoods in Belfast, they fly Al-Qaeda flags, while the Protestants fly American™ flags.

So I'm really torn on how to judge you, Ireland. On the one hand, you clearly hate Freedom™ as we conceive of it here in America™. But on the other hand, you hate the English more than we do. I'm not really sure how to play that. I used to think a lot of good Americans™ came from you, but it turns out the "Scotch-Irish" are in fact the very Protestants™ you so despise. And all the ACTUAL (read: Catholic) Irish in our country are the Democratic™ layabouts who go to the Mexican Church™ and gave us that asshole Kennedy.

Plus apparently the political party that represents the IRA (who gave Ireland its Freedom™) Sinn Féin (pronounced like "Sheer Fun") describes itself both as a "Nationalist" and as a "Socialist" party. While "Nationalism" is European for "Patriotism™" and hence generally GOOD, "Socialism" is of course, another word for COMMUNISM. Plus, "Nazi" was short for National Socialist. (German: Nazionalistischerischsozialismusmachenbauhausen) And they sent a condolence letter to the Germans when Hitler died. (Having supported the Nazis the whole war.)

So I guess, after my careful and clearly unbiased research, the best conclusion I can come to is that in fact Ireland is an enemy of Freedom™, and they are only preferable to the English because the English are the English.

And nobody likes the god damn English.

A lot of people mistakenly think that Christmas™ (20 Sunday™s away) is Jesus™' birthday. In fact, we don't know when Jesus™ was born, so I like to think of Christmas™ as the day we married Jesus™, metaphorically if you're a man, since gay marriage is a sin in Christianity™. (Defined here as all Protestant Churches™ who agree with me on this point.) But if you're a woman I mean it literally, since I have no problem with women having more than one husband if one of them is Our Lord™, the Ultrachrist™.

Anyway, Christmas™ is thus obviously when we spend a romantic day with Jesus™ and at night, after we're properly drunk, he gives us the Smoove Freakin'™ we so rightly deserve, using trojan magnums of course. Metaphorical trojan magnums if you're a man.

I like to think July 4th™ is kind of similar. Because America™ was not born on July 4th™. America™ had always kind of been there. In our hearts. But at the time America™ was in kind of an abusive relationship with the king of England, and that's why on July 4th™ 1776™ we left England a letter explaining how it wasn't treating her right and ran off to have a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas, which is why we annexed it and the rest of Alaska later that year

So July 4th™ is that day when we give our kids to some imcompetent cell-phone-yapping teenage harlot babysitter and have a candlelit dinner with America™. And after that candlelit dinner, drunk on cheap wine coolers, America™ and us stumble, giggling, into the bedroom where America™ trips over her oversized heels, but it's cool because she falls backwards right onto the bed, and we fall right into her and commence to make Sweet Love™ to the Union™, for which it stands.

One Nation™, under God™, indivisible, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.

Git-R-Done™.

My fellow Iranians™,

I come to you in a dark hour with dark news indeed. The Infidels™ have won again.

I don't know how they keep doing it, but forces of the utmost Haram™itude have emerged victorious on our great Pork-free land.

You see, Iran™ recently had its first-ever democratic elections. Probably the Infidels™ were behind that. You know how much they love democracy. Fortunately, our great eternal leader, the Ayatollah Rafsanjani Ahmedinejad™, ensured the Islamic™ nature of the elections by standing for election himself. Thus committing a great sin in the eyes of our beloved Prophet Muhammad™. For this implication that democracy is acceptable in Islam™, he has probably earned himself front row seats in the monster truck rally of damnation that is Hell™.

Allahu-akbar™.

As there are few Infidels™ in our country, the majority naturally voted for the most pious candidate: the Prophet Muhammad™. However, since he is in heaven with his father, Allah™, kicking Jesus's ass for all eternity, he could not accept the mandate of the people.

Unfortunately the Jews™, in their infinite treachery, pulled a fast one on us. They collaborated with the Christian Arabs (who help them to oppress the Palestinians™ in Jerusalem™, Iran's old capital) and voted for Saddam Hussein Mousavi. (Thus making him the obvious winner.)

Bismillah™.

But thankfully, Ahmedinejad declared himself the winner anyway. Which seemed what was best, until the Jews™ started rioting in the streets of our capital, Mecca™, our largest city, Medina™, and all the way out to Mecca-Godzilla™. They demanded a recount, and the blood of Muslim™ babies for use as brown paint for tasteful night tables in their summer houses in Tel Aviv.

But our brilliant leader came up with another solution: Deport the Jews™ to Auschwitz™ and then hold a recount.

Death™ to America.

But although all the Jews™ are dead, this recount makes us more conscious of the democratic process than our most hated enemy, that most democratic and freedom-filled kufaristan™: The United States of America. (Who didn't count the votes in Florida during the 2008 elections.)

So though we may have gotten what we want, the Infidels™ have finally defeated us with this abominably democratic election.

Alhamdulillah™.

Hey fellow Freedom™-lovers! It's that time of year again! June 8th: International Hate England Day!

It's the day when all of us, all over the world, fighting for more Freedom™ in our own countries, stop to reflect on the hateful nature and lack of redemptive qualities that is engendered in the dog race of the English.

Let us begin with the men. Englishmen are of course, the ones who killed so many brave American™ men fighting for Freedom in the French and Indian War™, the Revolutionary War™, the War of 1812™, the Alamo™, the Utah War™, the Civl War™, World War I™, World War II™, the Vietnam War™, and of course, their blatant attack of the World Trade Center™ on September 11th™ which was the cause of the Global Jihad™ which we are currently fighting on all fronts. Also, I bet they invented Obama too.

They are impotent and effeminite tea-suckers who can only attain an erection while looking at a photograph of the Queen of England.

The only sports they've ever invented were GOLF and CRICKET, the latter being their ideal Sunday™ night viewing. They wash down their dinner (meat pie) with a warm beverage (sherry) while cheering on their "favourite" "batsmen" as they come on for the first time in an "innings" to "hit" the "ball" across the "squibbly" using an even MORE indecipherable jargon known as "Cockney Rhyming Slang".

Do not ask me what a "Cockney" is.

Englishmen suck at music. I can name tons of great bands from my own glorious country (Neil Young, The Band, and Rush) but the only English band I can think of is Pink Floyd, who suck, and Radiohead, who sucks even harder.

Their women are drug-addled, binge-drinking, unattractive sluts. They speak in an endless squeal (outsquealed only by their obnoxious offspring) and end every sentence in "innit?".

England itself is small and constantly flooded by the endless rain. It is actually the worst part of the piece-of-shit islands known as the British Islands. They are consistently hated by their neighbo(u)rs the Irish, the Scottish, the Welsh, and the Cornish. While all of these groups may be identical to each other in our eyes, they are very distinct by their own reckoning, brought together only by their undying loathing for the quasi-humans inhabiting the South-East of their horrible archipelago.

Also: Their teeth are crooked.

Well if this is Soviet Russia, then our cultural revolution has begun. Originally when Chairman Obama went to Georgetown University and they covered up Jesus™' name in Latin or Hebrew or Korean or whatever, I was the only Christian™ I know who let it slide. Is that really so bad? They didn't tear it down, they just covered it up in the Gaston Hall for a secular occasion. That's kind of like how when my Church™ goes to McDonalds together every Sunday™ after the service, our Pastor™ covers up all the McDonalds logos with white flags bearing the image of Christ™ on the Cross™ while he says the prayer. It's just temporary and out of respect for the person speaking.

Anyway, all that changed when they arrested those 19 Catholics for protesting Obama's views at Notre Dame.

"PROTESTS? At a UNIVERSITY? NEVER!" I can hear you all crying in unison as you stare with shock at your computer screens. You read it right. There was a group of people, on a UNIVERSITY CAMPUS, stating their VIEWS ON A POLITICAL FIGURE, with intent to be HEARD BY THE PUBLIC. Not sure how to deal with this once-in-a-lifetime crisis, the school had them all arrested for trespassing.

I believe it is not controversial to say that if any liberals had had the BALLS to protest Bush while HE was president, especially at a university, they would not have been arrested. (To be fair, I have no evidence to back this up, as liberals were too busy watching "Weeds" to do anything of political import during the Bush administration.)  But unlike Bush, Obama is now in the beginning stages of a reign of terror. As I have warned time and time again, our country is now ruled by a Stalinist madman, not unlike Pol Pot, Mao Ze Dong, or Jimmy Carter. He will soon seize control of the media and establish a secret police dedicated to rooting out all dissidents and sending them to gulags in Alaska.

Well our Christian resistance must step up its efforts. For now the only thing I can think to do is repeat the protests. Go to your local university, step on campus, and yell "JESUS HATES OBAMA" over and over again until your voice gets tired.

I'm gonna go do that right now, and then go to bed.
In the name of the Father™, and the Son™, and the Holy Spirit™.

Amen™.
  

Ever since the 60s with the god-damn communism! These people! Think about it! The black panthers were MAOISTS, dead prez are MAOISTS, Obama bin Ehud-Barack is a MAOIST. ET TU OPRAH?

I'm sorry, I got a little out of control there.

As you're probably aware, Oprah has finally done what we all knew SOME black person would do now that these chicken-munching communists have control of our government: She distributed soviet-style food vouchers.

The results? Angry protests and sit-ins in New York City (the Big RED Apple) when the KFC restaurants (naturally) refused to honor these Bolshevik insults to one of our Nation™'s most cherished fast-food establishments.

Did you think I was joking? Our government is communist and America™ and its Freedom™ are getting flushed down the toilet like the post-constipation results of a good bucket of KFC.

And that is NOT finger-lickin' good.

But here at Freedom™ Patrol, your one-stop-shop for resistance against the constant onslaught of the forces of tyranny, we have already prepared for the counter-protests.

Download this image.

Print it up, cut it out, and bring it into your local KFC. Slap it down on the counter and buy your chicken. It's that easy. Obviously I recommend you yell some things at people in the KFC as well. Like "Don't tread on me!" and "Freedom™!" and "United we stand!" and "America™!" and "Honk if I'm paying your mortgage!" Any of those are good.

Do this every time you visit KFC, or any other restaurant for that matter, and encourage your fellow Americans™ to do the same.

Good night, and good luck.

Sorry for the lateness of this entry, fellow Americans™.

As you all know by now, Al-Qaeda has teamed up with the Mexicans to try to destroy America™, using pigs.

Don't believe me? Been listening to too much liberal Jewish news? Then you haven't been thinking.

Usually these sort of big epidemic diseases that we're worried will wipe us all out come from cows, or birds. (Defining "usually" as "once, each") But then all of a sudden this very well-attested pattern is broken with PIGS? That's just simple mathematics, Ahmed. We're onto you.

And it's even more obvious considering they attacked us from Mexico. I don't know about you, but I can't tell Mexicans apart from Arabs anyway. They both eat beans and flat-bread and have weird medium-brown skin and speak some sort of gibber-jabber and WANT TO DESTROY OUR FREEDOM™.

Anyway, understandably, between the communism and the civil war and the terrorism, I'm quite on edge now that our Freedomlicious™ PIGS are under threat. So I'm not quite thinking straight. My head's not screwed on straight.

At first I was sure the best thing to do was to not eat pigs anymore. I mean, that seems like the best way to survive, doesn't it? And if we survive, the terrorists lose, right?

Wrong.

I wrote a while back on what makes eating pork so important to Freedom™. Maybe it wasn't clear enough to y'all, but eating pork proves you love Jesus. It's the most obvious thing separating Americans™ from Jews and Muslims. After a little bit without pork it occured to me, perhaps it's also the most IMPORTANT thing separating Americans™ from Jews and Muslims.

Jews are definitely closer to Muslims than they are to us. With their weird wailing priests in temples where they praise a non-trinitarian conception of God™, their funny middle-eastern letters used to write out their funny laws about what they can eat and what hats they can wear, their obsession with praying toward cities in countries I've never heard of while bowing their heads like a bunch of Japanese meth addicts, their beards, funny-named holidays that start based on the moon and when the sun goes down, their fasts and feasts and deep-rooted hatred for Jesus-who-is-the-Christ-and-Lord-Amen™, And So On™.

And just as we know that as soon as a Jew gives up drinking, he's bound to convert to Terrorism, we know that without pork, we're all bound to become Jews. And then, if you live in Mississippi or something, you're bound to convert to Islam a week later.

So when we allow the Muslims to take our pork away, we're practically living under Shariah law.

Not happening, Abdul-Karim Qassem.

Live Free or Die™.

And I'm taking that mantra (which, for the uniformed, was the original motto of the United States™ before the commies replaced it with "E Pluribus Unum", Latin for "Allahu-Akbar", which Saint Joseph McCarthy™ wisely replaced with "Jesus™ is the REAL God™".) to heart. I am challenging these Allah-loving pigs the only way a real American™ like me knows how. And I encourage you to follow my example. Or be reported to the Department of Homeland Security™. Or worse yet, Dhimmi-Watch.

So first, you sneak onto a pig farm. Locate the sickest-looking pig you can find. Pick it up by its back legs and bite it really hard in the ass. Just bite the raw flesh from the sickly pigs body while it screams in pain. Swallow the still-bloody, dirty meat, and repeat until full. Sing the National Anthem™ as you flee the premises.

God Bless America™.

It's time for the second Civil War™!

The best part of all is, this time, the South™ is gonna win.

A Civil War™ is like a wedding reception. Only instead of starting with a ring, it starts when a communist takes over Washington DC™, putting all of our Freedoms™ in Jeopardy™.

That part aside though, it's pretty much an accurate metaphor. You've got two sides who feel they are forced together, locked in a constant, bloody struggle that ends with everyone getting drunk and eating too much cake.

Cake is like our civil liberties. We need it to call ourselves Americans™. Also, it's forbidden in Islam. And you buy it from a Mexican cashier who barely speaks English at David's and it's several days old and would probably be stale if it wasn't so packed with preservatives that it tastes only of chemicals and sugar, and more chemicals. Also, even though it's in our constitution, Obama thinks he can get rid of it.

Yeah, David's. I'm in Texas™ now. Enjoying a stiff purple drank with my Freedom™-loving comrades.

As you may have heard, there is a resistance army down here in Texas™. We are fighting, just as so many brave Koreans, Germans, Vietnamese, and other yellow people fought, against the red menace that seeks to take over the formerly-Free™ country which is so rightfully ours. Rick Perry, leader of the democratic front, has recently made his demands clear:

-Obama's resignation, and the return of all the United States™ to Freedom-lovers™.
-A ban on any communist or socialist activities by any American™ elected official.
-No more taxes.

Until these demands are met, we are down here in Texas™, practising our marksmanship and enjoying all the Freedom™ in the last real American™ place in America™. A place so American™ it may have to secede from America™, just to maintain its Freedom™.

Texas™.

Join or die.

Don't tread on me.

Freedom™ isn't free.

These colors don't run.

...okay that's all I can think of for now.

My fellow Americans™:

Sorry I haven't updated the blog for a little while. You see, I've been saving Our Great Nation™.

You probably haven't heard about this, because the liberal (communist) media doesn't want us to grow any more powerful than we already are, but the second American Revolution™ is underway.

It's 1776™ all over again.

Imam Obama has apparently decided that he isn't content just trying to take the "Jesus"™ out of "The United States of America"™. Oh no, that was just the beginning for our non-Church™-going Chairman of the American™ Communist Party.

Well Ayatollah Obama, while you were off on vacation in some European countries I've never heard of, the rest of us Real Americans™ were having to deal with your new taxes.

Apparently Obama has decided that we are all to be taxed so heavily that I have to pay for my neighbor's mortgage, car, food, etc. Pretty soon we'll all just be handed vouchers and have to stand in line for bread, and instead of (AMERICAN™) English, our country's official language will be Russian or something.

Sounds pretty scary doesn't it? Well you can help us save America™!

A little-known Republican™ party member, Ron Paul™, has started a series of protests called the Tea Party™ protests. In case you don't know, the Tea Party™ in question is the Boston Tea Party™, which was when Americans™ teamed up with our old buddies, the Indians, to throw a bunch of British tea in the harbor. We did this for two reasons:

1. Tea is communist coffee.
2. Taxes are communist.

After the protest, we went out for Indian food. My great-grandfather had the chicken masala.

Of course, if you actually needed me to explain that, we know you're not American™, and furthermore, you probably spell "harbor" like this:

Hairboure.

Enjoy your queen, Canada-sauce.

So here's how you can help out with the Tea Party™:

1. Stop buying any products made by communists. Unfortunately, this now includes all American™-made products. Since even under the islamo-communist rule of Premiere Obama, we are STILL the most Freedomtastique™ country on Christian God™'s green earth, there is no other country's products we can actually purchase. This was at first a problem, but then my girlfriend (who, unlike our "president", is a Church™-going Bible™-believing, protestant Christian™.) came up with a solution: Buy all your goods from the Amish, or make them yourself. Which leads to the second thing you can do:
2. Don't do anything our Founding Fathers™ wouldn't have done. And I mean anything. The only invention you can use that was invented after 1776™ is your computer, which you need to check up on facebook, which was where the second American Revolution™ got started. (Just like the first one.) My belt broke just the other day and I went to the blacksmith's and the tanner's to get the materials I needed for the new one. Anything to not give money to those communists at the gap.
3. Stop flying the "American"™ flag. You can fly those "Don't tread on me" flags instead. Those are cool as hell, and they have a snake on them. Thanks to our new premiere, any time I see the Stars and Stripes™ without any other qualifiers, all I see is this:



Hey liberals, are you happy?

That's all I can think of for now. If you have any recommendations, please leave them in the comments so other Real Americans™ can read them!

If you're anything like me (which is to say, you're American™) last Sunday you were at Church™.

And if your Church™ is anything like mine (which is to say, it is not an "Orthodox" Church™) your Pastor™ mentioned, as he does every Sunday, how many Sundays there are until the last one before Christmas™.

The current number is 38. (You pagans.)

Christmas™ is a very important holiday to us Americans™, because it is the celebration of the birth of the first American™: Jesus.

I'm really excited because 38 is such a low number. That's barely more Sundays than there are days in a month. Christmas™ is practically here already.

So I thought Uncle Tom should do you all a favor and help you get your Christmas™ decorations in order:

This year, why not tie some reindeer to the front of your pickup truck, Hummer, or other American™-made vehicle and have them run in front of your car while you drive around town? Everyone's sure to be impressed, and it will remind them to start getting into the spirit of the season too!

If you don't have a car, just ride around town on a reindeer. It's certainly cooler than that hippie bicycle with its Dave Matthews Band sticker you currently ride.

If you're from Texas, you might consider putting up a Nativity Scene™ in which the Virgin Mary™ sports a "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirt.

If you're not from Texas, you might consider not messing with Texas.

Say you're from one of those neighborhoods where every year there's a big, unspoken contest to see who can have the most visually impressive display of holiday cheer. You could have a fireworks display on Christmas™ Eve, to American™ up the proceedings.

What's with the stars and angels at the top of our Christmas trees? How about George Washington and Jesus™ high fiving each other?

If you're black, stop dividing our country with those gaudy black Santas. That sort of thing gives the terrorists the edge they need to pull off another 9/11.

If you're Jewish, be sensitive to your Christian neighbors and wish them a "Merry Christmas!" If you're Christian, consider teaching your Jewish neighbors about the lord Jesus Christ, who died for their sins. If you know a Muslim person, wish them a "Robust Ramadan!" That should calm their testy Middle-Eastern nerves for another month or so.

Either way, let's all just try really hard to ignore Easter, lest it hurt our momentum during the buildup to Christmas.

For those of you who, like me, have never read one of my Freedom™ reports before, let me explain how it's going to go.

Every time the mood strikes me, I shall choose a country somewhere on this big earth of ours and do a report on the status of Freedom™ there. I will do research in the form of a quick wikipedia check and a google image search, draw my own conclusions, and then give Dr. Tom's diagnosis for how to fix ALL THAT COUNTRY'S PROBLEMS.

Sounds simple doesn't it? It does to me too. That's why Australia had better sit up and take notice of my blog, because if it does, it will be as perfect a place to live as America™.

Australia seems a great place to start, since we (Americans™) have a lot in common with them.

For starters, their history is pretty similar to ours. They left Britain as a kind of pilgrims (prisoners) to a far away country kind of like America (Australia is an island off the coast of Africa, like Madagascar or Brazil) They killed a type of Indians (Aboriginals) to clear off their land so they'd have space to play a sport that's like football, but if football was actually calvinball.

Both our flags are red, white and blue. (Which, as far as I know, is unique to the two of us.)

We both speak a loud, nasally, glorious variety of English.

We both enjoy barbecues. (Though they call them braais, after a Dutch word I don't care to look up.)

We both have great national anthems, but I am forced to admit theirs is slightly better. It has no notes, and only six words: "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!"

They pronounce it "ozzy", because, like true Freedom™ lovers, they realize that they have the Freedom™ to pronounce a word as differently to its spelling as they like.

But we both have two main problems in common too:

1. Not all the Aboriginals (Indians) are dead.
2. Terrorists are trying to take over the country.

But Australia faces these problems to a greater extent than we do. The percentage of their population which is "abo" is 2.6%, over 4 times our Indian and Eskimo population. The terrorist problem is greater too. I don't usually like to link to youtube or things like that, but this is fairly important:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSsAY0U66hE

In this video a terrorist tells real Aussies to get our of HIS country! I can't even begin to express my disgust at the low blow dealt by these people. Even worse, he does so on a show called "Salam Cafe". I don't know what the words "Salam" or "Cafe" mean, but I bet its something horrible in their terrorist language. This show is broadcast on public television! The Australian government is PAYING these terrorists to insult their proud country!

The reason for the extent of these problems is pretty clear.

Australia still has the Queen. As usual, the British are responsible for all the problems that the French aren't responsible for.

So there's your solution Australia, it's a pretty simple one. Do what we did back during the Revolutionary War: Kill the Queen of England (Beatrice the 13th or whatever her name is) and then you'll be able to call yourselves the United States of Australia, instead of Her Majesty's Kingdom of Australia.

Once you're done with that, your only problem will be how to deal with the border hopping Mexicans. Or whatever Australia's equivalent of Mexicans is.

Kiwis, right?

With the obvious exceptions of Hawaii and Alaska, which are controlled by the Japanese and the Russians, respectively.

But for everyone in the REAL America™, we have bigger problems than how to stuff a pig full of pineapple for the big luau or what to do when five polar bears get into our rose garden (or whatever you people keep in your gardens up there, SNOW probably.)

Our country is being torn apart.

Is it being torn apart by illegal immigration?

No, because none of those people are real Americans™, so they don't count for dividing our country.

Is it being torn apart by the economic crisis and the national debt?

No, because those are scare tactics the (for lack of a more PC term) "residents of New York, Florida, Massachusetts and Los Angeles" are using to scare us into accepting the socialism our new president (who I support!) espouses. These things don't really exist and you don't have to worry about them.

Our biggest concern as a nation is how we are being separated (by the media) into our party affiliations.

This isn't unique to our country. Many countries in Europe have three or even more parties! How do they do it, you ask? It's easy! These European countries (Bulgaria, Canada, Turkey etc.) don't have a national identity built around a strong concept such as Freedom™. How they were formed, I don't know, and I don't care, but because they don't know who they are or what they represent, they split into a million and one political parties each representing a completely different view of the country.

We don't have this problem, since we can all agree that Freedom™ unites us.

But if we are the UNITED States™, why do some choose to divide us? Why can't we all just be Americans™? Why do we have to be Democrats or Republicans, constantly fighting with the other one?

Well, like everything else in our country that is bad, this is the fault of the Democrats.

While the Democrats started the civil war, who stopped it? That's right, the Republicans.

During the great depression, who was the one who ended it with the New Deal? That's right, Herbert Hoover, a Republican.

During WWII, who was the one who got rid of our awesome policy of isolationism? That's right, Frankie "Commie" Roosevelt, a Democrat.

Who took our boys into Vietnam and assured them victory? I dunno, but I bet they were Republican.

And finally, after 8 years as a country united in the War on Terror™, who has now destroyed everything we worked for by renaming it the "Overseas Contingency Operation"? Big surprise, Allahu-barackbar Hussein Obama. (He's a Democrat.)

So next time someone asks you your political party (which is probably more common than being asked the time in our ultra-partisan culture) think of it like this: You have two choices.

Democrat, or American™.

If we think of it like this, I can foresee a day when we will only have ONE party, the American™ party. Or the Freedom™ party.

Whichever looks better on a bumper sticker.

A famous American™ once said something like that, and I think it sums up my view on today's topic.

One of my beloved readers wrote me an e-mail which reads as follows:

Dear Tom,

While of course I completely agree with your views about America™, isn't it true that one of the things that makes our country great is our Freedom™ to hold whatever views we wish?

Sincerely,
Jacob Goldstein

Thanks for the e-mail, Rabbi!

Yes it's true, one of our amendments (I forget which one) does say that you're allowed to disagree with the government. It's almost as important as our first amendment right to carry any kind of guns we want, wherever we want, no matter the circumstances.

But I believe it was George Washington, the man who wrote the entire constitution himself, who said that "The extent to which you're allowed to disagree with the president shall be determined by what an actor in a major Hollywood film would say in a movie shown in a crowded movie theater, ideally in rural Montana, on a Sunday afternoon matinee, right after Church™."

Well said, Big Poppa. It would be pretty outrageous if it were legal to, for example, go to the funeral of a little black girl who had died in a KKK-orchestrated Church™ bombing, dressed in full Klansman regalia shouting racial epithets. So why did liberals defend the exact same message in the exact same context by buying Ice T's record "Cop Killer"?

Because they hate America™. That's why.

But unlike anyone who has ever bought an Ice T (or Ice Cube) record, I am proud to live in America™. For many reasons, but the most important is the amount of Freedom™ we enjoy.

Only in America™ are we free to make outlandish statements like "While I personally would never even consider storing an American™ flag improperly, I believe burning the flag should be punishable only with a symbolic fine." without getting arrested for disturbing the peace.

Only in America™ are we free to spout such borderline treason as "While I personally supported President Bush and his War on Terror™, and feel that an invasion of Iraq was necessary both for the good of the Iraqi people and the safety of America™, I concede that it is sometimes necessary to question the military leadership, provided one emphasizes one's support for The Troops™ before and after making such a controversial statement." without being sent off to the gulag.

Only in America™ are we free to blatantly disrespect the deaths of the men and women who died so that you and I could live in the most Libertylicious™ nation on God's green earth by uttering the disgusting statement "I don't support mandatory prayer in the schools" without being shot by roving death squads paid for by the dictator who runs your country.

At the end of the day, no one on Earth enjoys the kind of Freedom™ we do. And once you've accepted that, you'll begin to realize that every decision our government makes is like a Jenga block being stacked. If you change one, our whole country will tumble to the rug of your mom's living room, and then you'll get bored and go play Nintendo for like an hour or so, until your mother steps on one without seeing it and really hurts her foot (which was bare) and starts screaming at you to get in there. And that's when you lose all your Freedoms™, all because you had to push one too far.

Only by ceasing to exercise your Freedom™ of speech can you make sure you never lose it.

And that is where babies come from.

Several of my loyal fans have written in about my first entry, the one about the Freedom™ sandwich. It seems that some of you REAL AMERICANS™ have been unable to procure the Freedom™ necessary to make your sandwiches. I guess I should hardly be surprised, as our country is quickly being taken over by drug-dealing communist terrorists who have immigrated illegally, probably with the help of single mothers. But in spite of this, I guess I didn't expect them to strike at our MEAT.

Well, it's too late to cry over the spilled buttermilk I counted before it hatched. As founding father Benjamin Jefferson said "It's time to take back our country from these god-damn Chinese."

I want you all to continue going to the deli or the butcher every Sunday (after Church™) and demanding a pound of Freedom™. But if they don't give it to you, it looks like you'll have to make do with some meat with high Freedom™ content.

So without further ado: An evaluation of the Freedomtasticness™ of various kinds of meat.

BEEF
Beef is not what Jay said to Nas. Beef is the flesh of an adult domestic bovine (that's a cow) used for food. This is a pretty safe bet as far as Freedom™ is concerned, since pretty much all beef that you buy in a grocery store was killed out on the prairie by a cowboy, probably with a revolver. That spells Freedom™ to me.

If guns were countries, a revolver would be America™, whereas an AK-47 would be North Korea, Turkmenistan, or France. I don't care how cool those rappers make AK-47s sound, never let your child hold such a blatantly communist gun.

Anyway, in addition to steaks (which are undeniably delicious and free) beef is used to make burgers, which consitutes what is arguably the most American™ sandwich possible. One way to up the Freedom™ even more is to use BUFFALO instead of cow. That still counts as beef, by the way. I'm no butcher and I'm no biologist, but I'm an American™, so I get to say what a buffalo is. And I say a buffalo is to a cow what the Coen Brothers' version of The Ladykillers is to the original: An All-American™ improvement on a decent European idea.

On a quick side note about burgers, I'd like to talk about the name. Some people claim that they are actually called "hamburgers" because they come from the Germanian city of Hamburg. Well, I've met people from Hamburg, and the only thing they love more than Adolf Hitler is telling Americans™ how dumb they are. And apparently they think we're really dumb for thinking their crappy Eurotrash city has anything to do with our Freedomlicious™ burgers. Apparently they were renamed by George Lincoln Rockwell (of the American™ Nazi Party, which I do not endorse, except to say that like all American™ things, it is better than anything similar that Europe tried to do) to try to connect our country to Germania.

Well I'm not standing for it. From now on they are BURGERS. If you can't see how obviously right I am, perhaps you need to check an atlas and find me the Germanian city of CHEESEBURG? What's that? You can't find it? Then WHERE DO CHEESEBURGERS COME FROM, SMART GUY?

CHICKEN
Chicken is fairly American™ by itself, but it becomes the most American™ dish imaginable once you DEEP FRY IT. Fried chicken is something all Americans™ can agree on. If you don't agree, that's how we know you're probably Canadian.

Turkey is to chicken what buffalo is to beef.

I just realized I've never eaten fried turkey. I have to get right on that.

PORK
Pork is ideal because terrorists (who are all Moslems) and communists (who, in America™, are all Jews) can't eat it. That works out pretty well if you need to find out if someone is loyal to our country. Just offer them a pork chop and if they don't want it, it's BACK TO SOVIET UKRAINISTAN WITH YOU!

Another good thing about pork is bacon. Bacon is good because every American™ wakes up every morning to a giant plate of it. Every morning I eat a breakfast of ONLY bacon. 30 strips of bacon, slathered in honey (because maple syrup is for Canadians, who speak French, so eating it probably makes you more likely to surrender.) Then I wash it down with a cold refreshing glass of 1/3 milk, 1/3 orange juice, and 1/3 coffee, because I haven't yet figured out which morning beverage is the most American™ and IT SEEMS LIKE THE SAFEST ANSWER TO THAT PARTICULAR CONUNDRUM.

Bacon is also good on your burger (see above).

Green Eggs and Ham was written by Doctor Seuss, an American™. Ham is another word for pork. I think. I put my dictionary down after I looked up the word "beef" and now I can't find it.

Spam is American™ and it's made from pork. Virginia ham is pretty intensely American™ too.

But DO NOT EAT CANADIAN BACON. I can't remember if it actually comes from Canada or not, but we CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.

One last thing, anyone who tells you that pork is "the other white meat" is Eurotrash. "White meat" is a term used by the French to refer to meats that go well with white wine, whereas red meats go better with red wine. Americans™ don't drink wine, so we don't care about what COLOR our meat is. We care about how much FREEDOM™ it contains. Jesus™ turned water into wine, but I bet he didn't drink it because
he was too American™ to drink wine. Even if he had though, I bet he wouldn't have cared if it was red or white. He would've eaten a whole Virginia ham with a big bottle of red wine, just to piss off the French.

Jesus™ hated the French, and they still hate him, too.

UNEATABLE MEATS
-Ostrich: Comes from Australia. While this is a pretty Freedomtastic™ country in SOME respects, they still pray to the Queen of Britania in their Churches™, so we probably can't trust them. They even still use the Britanian flag. (This, combined with that incident where they bombed Pearl Harbor, is why I don't trust Hawaiians as well.)
-Lamb: I don't like the sound of this one bit. When I think of lamb, I think of passover, the Islaminese feast of sacrifice, and British people eating a fancy dinner. In short: Everything our country was founded with the intent of destroying.
-Goat: Is just an extra-Islamic type of lamb.
-Horse: As previously mentioned, beef is good because cowboys make a living by killing them. Horses are bad to eat because they are a cowboys best friend. I bet this is something Asian people eat too, the same way they eat dogs and cats because they know they're kept as pets in America, and they want to symbolize how much they hate our Freedomtastic™ lifestyle by consuming symbols of it. I hear in some rural areas of Mongolia, they eat cell phones, wrapped in American™ flags, dipped in hot sauce, and deep fried.
-Camel: Arabs.

I bet you expected to see human meat on that list, and I know I'll probably offend a bunch of liberals with this one but, le cannibalisme est très américain. (That's Liberalese for "Hasta la vista, baby")

I have only heard cannibalism mentioned three times in my life.

-Firstly, in Silence of the Lambs, which was an awesome American™ film.
-Secondly, at Church™. Jesus™ seems to be in favor of it.
-And thirdly, THE DONNER PARTY.

I rest my case.

A few days ago I spoke about the likelyhood that our president, Barack Hussein Muhammad, is not Islaminese. Well, the evidence has been piling up against the charges of Muslimness. For example:

-His wife does not, contrary to popular belief, wear the Islamic headscarf. (Unless the Muslims have developed a super advanced headscarf that is skin-tight and transparent.)
-He (allegedly) goes to Church™.
-He plays basketball.

But my friend Jerry tells me that there is some distinct possibility he may be a communist.

Communism, for my less edumacated readers, is the belief that Russian pop music is listenable. Symptoms (all exhibited by Obama) include:

-Support for the existence of taxes (The very thing that George Washington sought to destroy by founding our great nation)
-Regular consumption of Chinese food (The most communist of all cuisines)
-Celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day
-Weighing less than 200 lbs (MEN ONLY)

Now one thing I'll say for Islamo-fascism, it's pure. Every Mohammedan on earth pretty much looks the same (Black hair, medium brown skin, too much body hair) and they all share a pretty intense hatred for Freedom™. But communism is a dirty movement. Communists come in every size, shape, and color, and while they DO hate Freedom™, they don't hate it so much that I can rule out the possibility of one of them living in Washington DC. (In fact, the whole city has probably been mostly communist spies since the Berlin Wall fell.) While Communists and Islaminites share a hatred of Democracy™, the Communists are much more relateable. For example: In Islamic states, it's illegal to have less than 3 wives, saying the word "beer" is punishable by having your hands chopped off, and women can't walk around half naked for fear that they will have a koran thrown at them. Pretty much the opposite of our country. (Except Utah, which I've been saying for years is part of the United States of Allah) Russians and Chinese, on the other hand, live on vodka, cheap whores, and bitter monogomous marriages producing nuclear families, just like our own. But without baseball and hot dogs and July 4th.

But that's the problem! They can easily sneak one of their own into our culture and make him take away our baseball and hot dogs and July 4th! Pretty soon we'll be the Union of Soviet Socialist American States, hot dogs will be perogies, baseball will be hockey, and we'll go from July 3rd straight on through to July 5th!

Is that what you, the honest, hardworking, red-blooded Americans™ who check my blog every day to see if I've written something new want? To have our whole country turn into what basically amounts to NEW ENGLAND?

I think not.

Well I'll tell you. I did about seven minutes of research into wikipedia's summary of Das Kapital, and it seems to advocate what basically amounts to sharing everything. Like, I'll have to share my wife with you. (Not sexually you pervert, in terms of cleaning and cooking.) All the millions of dollars I make from this blog get divided up among the 300 million Americans™ so we each get next to nothing from MY hard work. Probably somewhere down the line all the Mexicans get really rich because they have tons of kids and you and I end up resorting to cannibalism.

And while cannibalism IS an all-American™ pastime now, thanks to the Donner Party, RESORTING is not. Americans™ don't RESORT. We might CRAVE something, but we never have to RESORT to it. It implies we've been forced, and Americans™ have too much Freedom™ to be forced to do anything.

I mean, let's take the Donner Party themselves. They loved Freedom™. They loved it so much that they freely chose to traverse the great landscape of our great nation, probably just for fun. Then they climbed the Rocky Mountains (mountains so American™ that when the snow melts, it melts into BEER instead of water, which we then drink as Coors) and just because it was late at night and they had the munchies and it HAPPENED to be what they were craving, they ate each other.

That is what Freedom™ is all about.

But the communists can't stand that. So they send Obama to our capital to turn us all into a bunch of borsht-slurping, vodka-guzzling, in-Alaska-living, Russian-speaking, commies like them.

Speaking of Alaska, if you can't see that everyone in Alaska is a Russian spy and that we should give them back their half of Canada before they send more people like Sarah Palin down to the REAL United States™ spouting quotes from Mao's Little Red Book, you're probably a commie yourself.

"But what can we do?"

As I was saying, communism is about sharing EVERYTHING. So how do we fight it? By sharing NOTHING.

See a homeless person on the street begging for spare change? Tell him to GET A JOB.
You ARE a homeless person on the street, playing your guitar for spare change? STOP SHARING THAT MUSIC WITH EVERY VLADIMIR, SVETLANA, AND BORIS WHO WALKS BY.
Got that new Jay Z CD? Well your friends'll never hear it, because it's YOURS.

We have to stay strong, America™. We've got a Dostoyevsky fan down in DC, telling us how to live our lives! SEMPER FI!

I'll give you another example, from my own life.

I was in the park playing football with my buddies, when I saw two little girls sitting on a bench. The ice cream man was in the park, and one of them had enough money for ice cream, but the other one didn't. So she let her friend take alternating bites of the ice cream SHE had rightfully bought! She was WILLINGLY GIVING UP HER PROPERTY FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE AROUND HER.

Well you know how I played that shit. I knocked the ice cream right out of her bolshevik hands, into the sandbox.

And I did it with the football.

Because if we don't stand up for our core values, who will?

After slightly over a month of letter-writing, marching through town with anti-Obama signs, eating pork three meals a day, and leaving Chick tracts at the local mosque, I have discovered that Islamo-fascism is a tougher enemy than I thought.

For starters, my many loyal fans have e-mailed to alert me that apparently terrorism has struck the United States™ before. Four times in fact, all planned by Jihado-fascists.

The first time, at the Alamo.
The second time, in Oklahoma City.
The third time, at Pearl Harbor.

Most recently, they attacked New York City on September 11th, 2001. While this wasn't as widely reported as Obama's name, it is almost as serious of an assault on our national values.

But there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

While this does mean that Freedom™ and Islamo-fascism will probably be continuing their war for years to come, it also means that we've had a president deal with terrorism before. And our greatest president had some words of wisdom that I feel are important to share now:

"The target of the terrorists was not only New York and Washington but the very values of Freedom™, tolerance and decency which underpin our way of life."

Don't you see? If they hate Freedom™ THAT MUCH, there's no way Obama can be a terrorist!

Perhaps you don't follow. Allow me to explain.

He has to live in Washington DC.

You see, I am a great patriot. I love our country, the greatest country on Earth, and I love it undoubtedly to a greater extent than you ever could. As a result I have made many trips to our nation's capital and other locations in the former Thirteen Colonies to view the glorious relics of our war with the forerunners of terrorists and Islam: The British.

You may not know this, but the president lives in the Washington Monument. The Washington Monument was built by George Washington himself (WITH HIS BARE HANDS) to commemorate his own glorious battles with the British and the Nazis. Then he decided it was so Freedomlicious™ that he had to live in it. Now it's a law every American™ president has to live in it. No matter who the president is, THAT'S HIS HOUSE. Now I have personally touched this great icon of liberty™, and I assure you, no one who hates Freedom™ as much as an Islamic could ever stand to be near it for even a second. Their raw hatred for Freedom™ would cause them to spontaneously combust, like Satan or Dracula holding a bible.

I would, at this juncture, like to apologize to the many Americans™ who have lost family or other loved ones to the extremely common phenomenon of Islamists spontaneously combusting because they are standing next to a physical manifestation of the abstract concept of Freedom™.

So I believe you Obama. I stand behind my president. Barack Hussein Obama.

Yesterday, February 18th, 2009: A DATE WHICH WILL LIVE IN INFAMY!

The United States of America™ was suddenly and deliberately attacked by terrorist forces ON OUR OWN SOIL.

Sadly most Americans™ were not aware of this attack. In fact, the United States™ was at peace with the Nation of Islam, and its Prime Minister: Louis Farrakhan. Indeed, it was just last week I got myself a shawarma from an individual of clearly Islaminese descent.

And while I naively munched on this Jihad taco, I was oblivious the man who had sold it to me (who had all the trappings of an American™: American™ flag on cash register, use of the colloquial terms "what's up?" "buddy" and "cool", t-shirt complete with lewd insinuation) was part of a global terrorist organization called ISLAM bent on the destruction of our way of life. But I was in for a rude awakening when it was made public that the MOHAMEDAMEDANEANS HAD ATTACKED WASHINGTON DC, THE CAPITOL OF FREEDOM™

It will be recorded that the distance of Washington DC from Iran makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned long ago. In fact, it may have been planned DECADES AGO.

OUR PRESIDENT'S REAL NAME IS BARACK SADDAM HUSSEIN OBAMA BIN LADEN JIHAD ISLAM SHABAZZ AHMETBEGOVIC.

THIS MAKES HIM A TERRORIST!

The terrorists have infiltrated our most sacred institution: Electoral politics. But it was only yesterday that this news became public, in the form of my friend Jerry telling me.

WELL YOU CAN BE A HERO TOO!!!!!1!

Tell all your friends our president's REAL NAME, maybe soon we can mobilize enough support to get the military to stage a coup to TAKE BACK OUR CHRISTIAN HOMELAND.

Let's take this war to the terrorists' doorstep! First we'll take down this Islamo-fascist masquerading as our president, and then we will find and kill the President of Al-Qaeda: YASSER ARAFAT

Only then will Freedom™ TRULY ring.

I think we all know what a crossroads we stand at, as a nation. Barack Obama, a black man, has been sworn in as president of a country that until recently was racially segregated.

We have arrived at a crossroads. We have reached an important juncture. We are at a decisive moment in our collective history.

I think you all know where I'm going with this.

It is time to make a Freedom™ sandwich.

A Freedom™ sandwich, as you all know, is a sandwich in which the primary filling is a thick layer of Freedom™. One may add any number of additional fillings, toppings and/or condiments to the sandwich. It should simply be noted that none of the ingredients should have the effect of reducing the feeling of Freedom™ one feels while eating it. (A phenomenon most commonly known as "Frenchifying")

Therefore I must warn that the following ingredients are not encouraged:
-Anything with the word "French" in its name.
-Anything of "middle eastern" origin. (Using the most Freedomtastic™ definition of "middle eastern", that is, from a place that uses a funny alphabet or script to write its language)
-Anywhere from a country with the word "republic" in its official English name.
-In fact just to be safe, all the ingredients should be produced in the continental United States™ and readily identifiable with some nation on the greater American™ continent. (Which is, as we all know, simply territory rightfully belonging to the United States™ which is occupied by foreign powers, likely of European or Terrorist origins.

Additionally, the following ingredients are strongly encouraged:
-American™ cheese
-Ketchup
-Wonderbread
-Also, don't toast it. Fucking microwave that bitch.
-Drink a beer with it. Something watered-down though, not some stuffy European crap. And certainly none of that fancy-shmancy hard liquor. What are you, some kind of Hungarian?

Please post a comment with your Freedom™ sandwich stories, and if you can, a picture or pictures you took of a Freedom™ sandwich you made and ate.